Dude, Where're the Penguins?
by Zuko's Buns PWN j00
Summary: There is only one penguin left at the South Pole. Where are the others? To heck with the master the four elements business! Aang must solve this mystery NOW! THIS, my friends, is a parody based off everyone's favorite Avatar themed anti Sue message.
1. Chapter 1

Where... have all... THE PENGUINS GONE?! The fuzzy-bellied birds that cannot flyyyyyyy!

Don't you ever break out in song at random moments? Try it. It's fun.

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"PENGUIN!"

The Water Tribe siblings watched in mild confusion as Aang took off after the four-flippered bird. Katara ran after him as Sokka rounded up the future warriors. She finally caught up with the kid in the middle of an icy space that was just too quiet.

"There were more penguins here the last time I went sledding," Aang mumbled, looking around sadly. "This place used to be full of life. What happened?"

"I don't know either," Katara sighed. She had gone penguin-sledding with Sokka seven years ago. At that time, there were penguins as far as the eye could see. Now the only penguin in the area was the one that was watching Aang with increasing curiousity. Thoughts of the past filled her mind and--

"Hey! There's something in the distance!"

Aang leapt into the air and formed a sphere of wind. He came back to the ground and landed on it, then began traveling quickly toward some brown thing in the distance. He was fast... TOO FAST!

"Sorry," Aang said as Katara beat the snow off of her parka and out of her hair.

"No, it's fine," Katara said.

"Oh! Great! Because I got into big trouble the last time I accidentally turned someone into a snowman..."

"Yeah... What's that in your hand?"

"Oh, this?" Aang held up an official-looking scroll. "I found it pinned to that giant board over there. I think I know where the penguins are..."

"Yes...?"

Aang unrolled the scroll, cleared his throat, and read, "Every time you write an Avatar Sue, the Fire Lord kills a penguin. Please, think of the penguins."

An awkward silence fell. Finally, Katara asked, "What the heck is a Sue?"

"It says," Aang said, looking at a footnote on the scroll, "'A Mary Sue is an original character who appears in more than one paragraph per chapter and is anything more than a weak, humble, respectful, quiet, kinda ugly...'"

The sun began to set as Aang read through the list of adjectives...

"'...middle-aged, balding, excessively flatulent...'"

"Gassy or angry?" Katara asked.

"Probably gassy," said Sokka, who had hiked out to the middle of nowhere to join them a few hours ago.

"'...servant to the canon characters. Please make sure all your original characters have extremely brief appearances and are nothing more than weak, humble, quiet--'"

"Okay!" Katara cried. "You don't have to read the list again!"

"So all the penguins have disappeared because of some... Mary Sues?" Sokka asked. "Well, you know what that means! We have to stop the Mary Sues!"

"What are you talking about?" Aang gasped. "No one should be forced to serve another under threat. This term 'Mary Sue' is obviously being used to label anyone who thinks their life should be about more than serving someone. And look, the Fire Lord is the one who's killing penguins." He bowed his head, his eyes shut tight. "I should've stopped this. It's my duty as the Avatar..."

"You're the Avatar?" Sokka asked.

"I knew it!" Katara punched the air. "The Avatar did return!"

"I'm... not... wait." Aang scratched his head. "Oh, poop!"

"Well, I have a plan," Katara said. "Aang, you need to master all the elements. Then you can confront the Fire Lord! If he's holding the penguins hostage, you can save them. I know you can."

"Who said anything about mastering all the elements?" Aang turned to the board in the distance, then looked down at the scroll in his hands. "If the Fire Lord is slaughtering innocent penguins, then we need to get to him as soon as possible. He won't wait around for me to master the elements."

"Well, maybe if we send him a nice letter and a gift, the penguins will get a reprieve, and-- OUCH!" Sokka stepped away from his sister and rubbed his cheek. "Katara, did you have to do that?"

"Yes..."

"Come on!" Aang tucked the scroll into some random unknown pocket. "You get some supplies. I'll get Appa and we can--"

"What do you think you're doing?" came a harsh voice. "It's past your bedtime! All of you! Back to the village! NOW!"

"It's Gran Gran!" Sokka yelped. "RUN!"

* * *

To be continued... 


	2. Chapter 2

This chapter: The group go after Ozai and find him!

**I do not own Avatar. And neither do you trolls (you know who you are), so STFU.**

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"Okay, let's go!" Aang called, Airbending himself onto Appa's giant head. He sat down, picked up the reins, and looked behind him. Sokka and Katara had been up for half an hour now, but the eldest of the two looked pretty grumpy. "Why the long face, Sokka? Don't you love sunrises? Come on. Whiskers likes it."

The penguin standing next to Sokka gave a loud _WARK!_ and flapped his wings.

"Whiskers should've been slaughtered and made into stew," Sokka growled. "I can't believe Gran Gran is making us go with you."

"If the penguins are gone, future Water Tribe kids won't get to go sledding, right?" Aang asked.

"I think it had something to do with feeding future Water Tribe kids..."

Aang laughed nervously. "Well, better for them to die to feed people rather than be used as hostages in some unholy war, right...?"

"The penguins are an important part of the food chain down here," Katara said.

"Yep!" Sokka smiled and leaned back. "They sure are."

"I meant they keep the fish from overpopulating the water," Katara went on. "If there are too many fish at once, they'll run out of food and starve. Then there'll be no fish, and whatever they eat will reproduce too quickly and we'll have to deal with that. And the predators that eat the penguins will run out of food. They'll come after kids when they get hungry enough! The whole balance of nature will be thrown off entirely, and--"

"Katara, we get it!" Sokka snapped. "Look. Science has no place whatsoever in this fandom, and it's the Avatar's job to worry about nature."

"And what about us?"

"According to that scroll, we're supposed to be nothing more than--"

"Don't repeat all those adjectives again!" Katara put her hands over her ears. "La la la! I'm not listening to you...!"

"So, let's just not be heroes," Sokka said. "Let's go back home so Ozai doesn't accuse us of being Mary Sues and kill any penguins he still has."

"But the penguins..."

Aang frowned, then looked up at the sky. "What if...? I got it!"

Sokka and Katara exchanged looks as Aang spun around and got to his feet. He glared down at the Water Tribe siblings and pointed at them as though accusing them of some terrible crime. "You two are coming with me to save the penguins from Fire Lord Ozai, and that's FINAL!"

"O-kay..." Sokka muttered.

"Sure thing!" Katara said.

Aang smacked himself on the forehead and lowered his voice to a whisper. "You two are supposed to bow down, looking as inferior as possible, and say something like, 'Yes, mighty Avatar!' You know, so Ozai can't label you as Mary Sues...?"

"Oh... right!" Sokka laughed. "We gotcha!"

"Welp, there's the palace!"

Sokka and Katara looked down at the building from over the edge of Appa's saddle.

"Well, it looks really nice," Sokka squeaked. "Can we go home, now?"

"No, we've got to save the penguins, first, right?" Katara mumbled.

"Right," Aang said. "Now, here's the plan: I'll beat up everything that moves, and you two follow me."

They landed in the garden and jumped off, weapons drawn, ready to fight... And nothing happened.

"Where the heck is everyone?" Aang asked. "Don't all attacks on the palace involve fighting loads of guards?"

"Maybe they're on their lunch break?" Sokka suggested. "It is noon."

"No, that's ridiculous," Aang said, scratching his head. "But let's take advantage of this amazingly convenient chance and find Ozai!"

The three humans and Whiskers ran through the halls, searching for some gigantic, important-looking door. But they didn't have to look very long, because somewhere along the way, Aang crashed into some creepy, tall, shadowy figure.

"The Avatar!" Ozai got to his feet.

"Ozai!" Aang took a fighting stance. "Release the penguins!"

Ozai stared at him for a moment, then threw back his head and laughed. It wasn't even maniacal laughter... It was just laughter, as if...

"That was the best random thing I've heard in years," Ozai gasped as he tried to catch his breath. "Penguins!"

"Don't play dumb," Sokka said. "We know you're holding the penguins hostage. Now where are you hiding them?"

Ozai turned toward him. No one could tell exactly what the expression on his face was, but it must have been pretty scary, since Sokka yelped and hid behind Whiskers.

"I am not holding any penguins hostage, boy," Ozai growled. "I have no use for chubby, flightless waterfowl."

"But the scroll we picked up said that--" Aang began.

"What scroll?" Ozai snapped.

Aang grinned sheepishly and handed Ozai the scroll he'd found on that board out in the middle of nowhere...

* * *

WTF?


	3. Chapter 3

**I do not own Avatar, but I totally own this ultra-short chapter of OOCness, flamer-bashing, and T-rated language.**

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"Dammit!" Ozai threw to scroll back to Aang. "I did NOT authorize this! Who is responsible for this?"

"You mean you're not behind this?" Aang cried. If it was true, then that meant... "We came all the way here for nothing!"

"Nothing except our own premature deaths," Sokka sighed. "Let's just run away while we have the chance..."

"You're not going anywhere!" Ozai barked. "We need to have a talk."

"I already had the talk, so I'm just going to--"

"Shut up!"

"Make me!"

Two huge flaming daggers in the Fire Lord's hands sent the teenager cowering behind his sister. Ozai kept eye contact for one moment, then let the fire die out. He turned to Aang again.

"Alright, Avatar," Ozai snarled. "You came all this way to set a bunch of waterfowl free... Stupid! But I suppose I should thank you. If it hadn't been for your lack of a brain, I might not have realized someone was kidnaping a murdering penguins in my name."

"Thanks..." Aang took a step back. "I guess..."

"Now I can look into this matter," Ozai went on. "And I've solved another problem. I don't have to keep looking for you. I've got you right here, and I can summon the guards to arrest you and your little friends any time I want. But if I did that, my plans might not work. I need you all alive. So, little monk, I suggest you cooperate."

"What are you getting at?" Katara demanded, stepping next to Aang, who pushed her back again with a quiet, "Shh! Not so assertive! We still don't know where the penguins are!"

"What I'm getting at..." Ozai muttered. "In exchange for your lives, you will assist me in tracking down these penguin kidnapers."

"Why do you care?" Katara asked. "What good are flightless, chubby birds to you?"

"They're not," Ozai said. "But I like them. And no one is going to mess with nature in MY name without MY permission. I'll destroy what I want, when I want."

"So you're being motivated by some weird cross between ego and compassion?"

"Yeah. I guess you could say that. Now..."

They glared at eachother for a while, and finally Ozai said, "The servants will show you to the gardens for some food. I will have some important letters for you to carry with you in the event of emergency. Remember, Avatar, that we're only allies until this mystery is solved."

"And then...?" Aang trailed off nervously.

"Then I open up a can of whoop-ass on all of you. Have a nice day."

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Ozai does not approve (of flamer slogans, cliques, or whiny college grads who let a kids' fanfic section ruin their lives and dedicate themselves to begining anti-OC flame wars). 


End file.
